HUMAN LOVE


This text has been waiting on my laptop for several months now. I  wrote it this summer, and since I first reread what I wrote this is one of my favorite pieces I have EVER written. But I didn't want to hurt anybody, or trigger people making wrong assumptions and thus diminish the beauty and power of the words. As time has passed by I am ready to share this with you and I hope I can bring you some of the magic I felt back in this moment into your life. 

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0X.0X.20XX

we were sitting there, side by side. squished into this little car. 

We never connected before but now in this tiny little space we were 

- magic happened. 

 

The inside of the car became the witness of this special moment. 

The space we shared became the universe.

 His lips were moving and the words that were crawling out of his mouth came flowing right from his heart. 

They danced through the air and kissed my ears so his message could find my heart without detour. 

In this moment I saw you.

I saw you for the first time and I lost myself in you. 

Your watery green eyes. 

Your skin, tanned from the sun and toned from countless adventures. 

 

I lost myself in your voice and in your open heart. 

Time lost its form and just stretched into the endless scene we were hugged in. 

I lost myself in the trust you gifted  me with, 

 in the strength and the courage to show me

your true face, your true self, your true heart.

 

I lost myself in the tingling and vibrating energy which was flowing in between us, crossing our bodies and flashing both of us.

 I lost myself in the honor of being your home.

 I lost myself in gratitude. 

Gratitude for this connection. Gratitude for your words,

that a man could see me, that a man wanted to listen, that a man wanted to share. 

I was blown away, thrown into another dimension, another universe found in your voice, found in your eyes,

found on this tiny square of asphalt capsuled in this shell of a car. 

I saw you. I saw you so clearly my eyes weren't necessary anymore.

You are so beautiful. When your heart started spilling and I was calm and able to take your pain and let it flow through you so your light was able to shine and free from this hard shell, 

I fell in love with life again.

I fell in love with humans. 

I fell in love with you, 

 myself 

and every soul out there. 

 

 

...1 week later ...

 

 

 

the tickling in my heart is still so present- like little butterflies.  

my chest, my belly, my arms and my legs are illuminated.

your washed green eyes appear in my head, dancing in the corner of my view, appearing between little details hugged into nature. 

Again and again my memories bring me back to this special moment. 

To this infinite vibration. 

to this energy which was so strongly flowing between our bodies?

between our souls ? 

Tell me if I am right. Tell me I was not the only one who felt this connection. 

Tell me I am not more sensitive then anyone else here again. 

 

I know you felt it. 

this was magical, 

but this was real. 

 

I keep coming back to this feeling, again and again and again and again.

I cant. 

It is not my choice. 

I don't want to push myself into anything. 

I don't want to push anything onto you.

I don't want to make anything up, 

 but my heart returns to what nourishes it. 

my souls reaches for the truth. 

and we truly were real in this moment. 

we were infinite, borderless, not human, endlessly flowing. 

I cherish you so deeply for this experience.

I cherish you so deeply for this path. 

 

My head is oddly quiet.

I don't know something like that. 

I am so calm and relaxed in this situation, outer circumstances could make me crazy but they don't, 

because I trust. 

Because I learned to trust.

to trust in life, to trust in the universe, to trust in me, in you, in love. 

 

I was wrong.

You shouldn't tell me if what I was feeling was true.

If I was the only one being immersed in this vibration. 

I know it was true. I know it was real. I know you felt it as well. 

 

I know and I feel as deeply and surely as never anything before that a connection like that is not reachable with anybody, is not reachable for anybody. 

I know that magic like that doesn't happen for no reason, 

I may not see the plan yet.

I may not understand your way yet, but the universe will guide me,

the universe guides us and it will fix it.

I trust. I love. I listen. and I know ! what ever is supposed to happen will, when I go with the flow. 

so I will. 

I am so thankful for this experience, no matter what the future holds.

I am so thankful for you teaching me a connection and depth of feelings like this. 

My heart is full of gratitude and my soul excited for the future to come. 

thank you 

for you 

for me 

for this life 

I love you, 

I love me 

And I deeply fall in love with all of this universe again and again.   

thank you

 

for more prose, poetry or others posts feel free to hop over to my own blog

paulinelapetite.com and share some love

Mahalo xx  

 

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One day, we will get on a plane for the last time. We will arrive home from a wonderful trip, telling our loved one’s stories of the coffee we drank and the beautiful hikes we took. Years may pass and we will keep wanting to go explore a different country and to see the sunrise from a plane window again, but we will not go. Our summers become booked and busy with family picnics and trips to the nearest beaches so we don’t take another trip because we are happy right where we are. The day will come when taking a plane to visit a foreign country won’t be an option for our old bones and tired hearts and so we die happily, remembering the plane rides we did take and how fun the summers at home were.

One day, everything we want to do during our lifetime will not be an option anymore. We will want to tell the story of how we danced barefoot in the grass at sunset with our friends to our favorite music, savoring the light blue of the sky with our youthful eyes. We will want to look at old photographs from the trip where our flight was cancelled and we had to sleep in the airport overnight. We will want to have loved more people and visited more places. We will want to have had more adventures. We will wish that we hadn’t wasted time being afraid, putting things off until another time, and playing life safe by staying in our comfort zone.

Now is the time to make sure that you fulfill the wishes of your eighty-year-old self. Now is the time to book the flight. Now is the time to watch the last bits of light in the February sky fade into the night. Now is the time to go out into the world leaving every last bit of fear behind because this is our life, and we must live it.

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the stories my body tell are shaped with lies that left my bones deaf. blind in a world where light is supposed to guide you. mute in a place where words are the spear to survival. disarmed by trust. left damaged in the corner of a room, one that was cold but that i began to call home because i was too scared to leave. leave, to the uncertainty of life where other monsters awaited with their knives high. pointing at me.

but in this room at least i knew my monster and i could predict every attack, every bruise. i learned to lick my own blood from the wounds that he left, but forgot to cleanse my heart, so now it lies there, rotten. rotten and caged in my chest. cursed by the distorted thoughts i left unattended for too long. and now what? the room is empty and there's no monster, no heart. i'm deaf from the shouts of those who once cared. so ashamed i tremble in shock as i walk outside and the guns are down. but i'm cold, and alone, and i wonder if i will ever find another room where my wounds can become scars, and my scars tattoos. tattoos that speak about my story louder than my voice. a voice that i lost. long ago. 

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We live in a chaotic and inequitable world, where there are no rules.

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Why can some people live in peace and others have to clear off from their countries?

I'm not surprised people are giving up and stop believing in love and kindness. But we have to constantly fight. We have to send good deeds into this place. Our home.

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there's a hole in my heart

and i can't find it.

it's empty. hidden behind a wall that continues growing, far from me, high within me. a wall of fantasy, where an alternative universe awaits me. 

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my heart is full now. cured from the sickness of the lies i was telling myself. and i start to root and bloom like a flower in the middle of spring. pinks and red surround me as i dance, and i become one with the Earth that has given me a home and strength to carry on. 

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the wall now has a name. it's no longer standing in my way, but it's holding my hand, it's breathing with me. the wall is me. 

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These days, I see, we can't talk. The one thing we have is our phone or our computers or our tablets. We don't see each other. We have forgotten how to talk, in a way other than through messenger. And honestly I, too, have forgotten. 

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Lately i realised how long I haven't talk with my younger sister, how much I don't know about what she likes. The only moment that we are talking is when we are arguing.

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A soft stream of light escaping through the blind, the blue, cold sun ray resting onto every surface, illuminating the room. January. Month of determination, of procrastination, of biting frost and biting words, belittling yourself; knowing you can do better, can be better. The months of good intentions, intentions that can so easily be taken wayward; manifesting into destructive, unhealthy thoughts and routines, inflicting pain and insecurity and a lack of self-worth.

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LETTER TO MYSELF


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Foreword:

This letter is an insight into my personal journey of forgiving myself and learning to truly love the soul that is living inside my human suit. I am sharing this with you to inspire you, write a letter to yourself and forgive the most important person in your life - you.

A special friend told me some month ago when I was spilling my heart to him that I have to forgive myself. I need to forgive every person, but especially myself to truly find love and acceptance. 

I never doubted his words but it took me some more months to actually be able to forgive myself. 

But some days ago, I wrote this letter to myself. Sitting in the forest all by myself feeling so blessed and calm. 

I could say I forgive you and I love you to myself for the first time in my life, meaning it, and it was one of the most beautiful and releasing moments ever. I am incredibly blessed by a really special group of friends and an amazing family who pushes and guides me, I hope to be your friend and your family by sharing.

This letter is extremely personal and I know I make myself incredibly vulnerable sharing this. But my experience on this blog with all of you has been so deeply loving and caring that I have no fear and I really hope and want to help anyone out there to forgive themselves and make themselves free from all the pain and punishment. 

You have the birthright to be happy. 

You have the birthright to be free. 




Letter to myself : 

Dear you, 

Dear beautiful young woman, lost little girl and loved creature of this planet. 

I just wanted you to know... 

I forgive you and I love you. 

I forgive you for suppressing your true light for many years. 

I forgive you for being so filled and blinded by fear and doubts that you were never able to see your true beauty.

I forgive you for losing yourself in the external world and hurting yourself over and over and over again, by running after shallow sources of validation because you were too trapped to see this divine woman in yourself. 

I forgive you for hating your looks. 

I forgive you for all the harsh words you were saying to yourself.

I forgive you for all the punishments you were giving yourself. 

I forgive you for suppressing your feminine energy, for working against your true inner self and for pretending you were somebody you were not. 

I forgive you for pushing away people you love because of your numbness fed by fear. 

I forgive you for caging yourself away from love because fear was eating you up from the inside and you couldn’t let go of control. 

I forgive you, my girl. 

I forgive you for everything. 

Thank you. 

I LOVE YOU 

I love you for…..

to read the full blogpost please head over to my own little loved blog

 https://www.paulinelapetite.com/single-post/2017/06/07/LETTER-TO-MYSELF

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all the love xx

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