learning to dance with yourself


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the leaves tilt to the melodies of the sun

but i'm numb, and blind. 

i can only hear them whisper 

but my soul doesn't speak the same language

so i stand still. in a noisy silence that i want to escape.

it is then, when i am about to run away, that the first flower blooms.

in my black and white mind, hues of pink and blue wake up 

as the first petals start to whine like newborns. 

the blindness becomes shades

the shades become light

and the light caresses my skin as i start to feel 

the life of the flower invade the life within me.

and it is then, when i am about to give in to the beauty of the colours

that the second flower starts to bloom.

and this flower is red.

and this flower is blooming from my heart.

from my soul. 

and it is now, that, alive, i can understand the whispers of the leaves.

they sing beautiful songs to the melodies of the sea.

now that i understand the music, my petals dance a waltz with the sun. 

and let me tell you, 

the world has never been so happy. 

More in Self-Love:

the war is over / a poem


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i'm breathing in the shadows

and they taste quite hollow

it's a void that captures me

in an infinite loop

of light and darkness.

eternal twins that hold hands

through earthquakes and nightmares.

 

i'm tasting the clouds

and they feel like honey.

a gold that leaves me blind

every time i jump, and start rising.

 

i became friends with every corner of myself

and now i can dance through the misery

and the mystery;

it feels good to wake up to peace.

 

now that the battlefields have been silenced,

the shadows are somewhat less hollow

and the clouds sweeter than ever. 

More in Recovery:

broken (the journey to survival)


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the stories my body tell are shaped with lies that left my bones deaf. blind in a world where light is supposed to guide you. mute in a place where words are the spear to survival. disarmed by trust. left damaged in the corner of a room, one that was cold but that i began to call home because i was too scared to leave. leave, to the uncertainty of life where other monsters awaited with their knives high. pointing at me.

but in this room at least i knew my monster and i could predict every attack, every bruise. i learned to lick my own blood from the wounds that he left, but forgot to cleanse my heart, so now it lies there, rotten. rotten and caged in my chest. cursed by the distorted thoughts i left unattended for too long. and now what? the room is empty and there's no monster, no heart. i'm deaf from the shouts of those who once cared. so ashamed i tremble in shock as i walk outside and the guns are down. but i'm cold, and alone, and i wonder if i will ever find another room where my wounds can become scars, and my scars tattoos. tattoos that speak about my story louder than my voice. a voice that i lost. long ago. 

when i believed in a love that wasn't love at all. 

More in Recovery:

freedom within


there's a hole in my heart

and i can't find it.

it's empty. hidden behind a wall that continues growing, far from me, high within me. a wall of fantasy, where an alternative universe awaits me. 

but i'm scared. do i want to keep running? do i want to collide with the wall and fall in the hole of nightmares? is darkness my friend? who am i? 

and as i run towards the wall, as my blood mixes with the concrete... we explode. darkness comes sooner than expected and i'm far from the wall again... but there's no wall anymore. i'm on my own, like i've always been. 

my heart is full now. cured from the sickness of the lies i was telling myself. and i start to root and bloom like a flower in the middle of spring. pinks and red surround me as i dance, and i become one with the Earth that has given me a home and strength to carry on. 

and just as i start to smell the freshness of the leaves, i see the wall come towards me. 

the wall now has a name. it's no longer standing in my way, but it's holding my hand, it's breathing with me. the wall is me. 

so now we walk together. the wall and i. we are one. 

the wall is freedom.

i am free.  

More in Learning + Growing:

the reunion of the selves / a poem


when the words in my blood collide

stars invade my veins

and i become a galaxy

my skin, a highway to the moon,

turns into dust

as i float in the darkness

and it's beautiful how, while flying,

i die a little

loosing all the fear in me

bringing love to life.

 

i spin around the sun

and its rays light me up like a candle.

as i shine to the music of my heart,

i become one.

one with the moon that protects my darkness,

one with the sun that lights my fears,

one with the stars that give birth to my magic.

 

one with myself.

 

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Source: https://www.instagram.com/p/Bdk6zhAgpFn/?taken-by=sc.alonso

ocean of tears


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Tears were streaming down my face, creating a foolish river with no clear start or end. I thought to myself: why am I sad? I paused. Listened. I couldn't hear. I couldn't feel anything in my body. Nothing. My cells were numb, silent. Empty. 

 

I was crying from a place of emptiness. A void in the heart was pouring out as water, leaving every hole vulnerable and weak. I found myself swimming in this ocean I had just created from nowhere, and, almost delusional, I started laughing at the controversy of life. 

 

I am happy, but at that moment I was crumbling down like a paper town hit by the rain. I thought for a second: something must be wrong. Nothing was. Just a moment of despair disguised as silence. And I was so empty. Happy, yet so empty. 

 

How funny. How funny is it that we have the power to feel, and create. How funny is it that we often just hide in the comfort of sadness, of happiness, of love. Not allowing ourselves to explore, to challenge our minds, and be fuelled. 

 

Feeling like you lost your soul, like you drifted away from your fingertips, is not loosing a war. It's exploring other battlegrounds. 

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